Almost Paradise
by sarahcurto
Summary: AU in which Nicky & Lorna went to high school together. By the end of freshman year, they are partners in crime and inseparable best friends. Lorna supports Nicky when she comes out, and Nicky supports Lorna right back when she gets her first boyfriend. But sometimes friendships have an expiration date, and sometimes that date is senior graduation.
1. Live Forever

It's early September, 1994, and it's Nicky's first day of high school. She couldn't be any more underwhelmed. Her mom decided to send her to a "non-religious private high school." Nicky didn't even know those existed, but apparently they do. Nicky is Jewish, but her mom hates all the Jewish private schools in the city. She thinks they're "half-assed and not worth her heart-earned money." She dresses up in her new school uniform that she claims to hate more than anything.

"Why can't I just go to public school?" she asks her mother as she takes a bite of her pancakes, made by her nanny - never her mother, "It's free and I don't have to wear this ugly shit," she complained. "Nicole, don't curse around your mother, you're only fifteen." Nicky wanted to interrupt and say that she is actually only fourteen, but it was no use. Before she could, her mother cut her off, "And you should be thankful you can afford to go to private school. You'll be getting a better education and you won't be near those druggies that hang around all the public schools." Nicky was half listening, she always knew what her mother was going to say before she said it. Her mother would never understand that no matter where you go to school, no matter how expensive or how fancy, there will always be the same types of kids. Money doesn't care about that. Anyway, she secretly didn't mind the uniforms, as the girls had a choice between khaki pants or skirts, and Nicky quite liked a good skirt – she'd even wear them all the way through the harsh Manhattan winter. "I had Paloma call a cab for you, it'll be downstairs at 7:00, school starts at 7:30. Here's some money so you can get a cab home," she said as she handed Nicky five twenty dollar bills.

"Marka? A hundred dollars? What am I taking, a limo taxi?"

"It's for the next two weeks, Nicole. I'm going to be at a lot of meetings so you won't be seeing much of me."

"Meetings? Is that keyword for staying with that douchebag Paulo at your other apartment?"

And with that, her mother grabbed her coffee in her obnoxious to-go cup, picked up her keys and purse, and walked out of the door saying, "You know, Nicole, you should really start being more grateful." And Nicky wanted to scream after her – tell her that she doesn't like being called Nicole, and that she has no reason to be grateful when she didn't ask for any of this. But she didn't say anything, because she may only be fourteen, but she had already stopped trying.

About ten minutes later, she was waiting in the lobby of her fancy apartment building when the cab pulled up. She got in, told the driver where to go, got there, payed the driver, got out. She'd been doing this same ritual by herself since fifth grade, it was as normal to her as it is for most people to get in their own car and drive themselves somewhere. Only now she was going to a different school – high school. Only few of her friends from her public middle school could afford to go to private school, and she didn't think she would have classes with the ones that did. She wasn't sure if she should be bummed out or glad that she could start over. She ultimately decided to be glad – she already had too many other things to be bummed out about.

When she entered her first period Spanish class, she only saw one familiar face. Her friend Steven from her old middle school, one of her few friends that could afford public school. She sat next to him and they caught up for a few minutes before the teacher came in. She was a very pretty, very young hispanic woman. It was all great until she actually opened her mouth, and it was evident that she was going to be a 'strictly playing by the rules' and 'no joking around' type of teacher. Nicky attributed this to her young age, she was probably new at this and was afraid of getting fired. She introduced herself as Ms. K, never saying her full name. She sat them all in alphabetical order, and Nicky knew she was screwed being that Steven would end up being at the very end and her somewhere towards the middle. As the teacher got closer to the letter 'N', Nicky got nervous, not knowing who she'd have to sit next to for forty minutes every morning when she was barely awake.

"–And behind him is Lorna Morello, and then then in the last seat in that row is Nicole Nichols. Okay, next row–" That was when Nicky stopped listening and moved to the last seat in that row, behind a girl with messy, soft brown curls no longer than her collar bones and bangs pinned up to her forehead to make a poof (Nicky's least favorite of all the stupid typical 90's hairstyles). The teacher handed out textbooks and asked everyone to write their names and contact information on an index card incase the textbook had gotten lost. "Shit, shit, shit." Nicky heard whispered from in front of her, but ignored it. The girl turned around to face Nicky, and in a very Boston-esque accent asked her "Hey, um, do you have an extra pen?"

"Oh, Jesus, really? The first day?"

"Whoa cut me some slack alright, I was running late."

"Yeah, whatever. Here, keep it." Nicky said as she gave her a pen and reached for her bag to take another one out for herself.

"Thank you, um...Nicole is it?"

"Nicky."

"Oh okay, I'm Lorna," she whispered, and then quickly turned back around because the teacher had asked them what all the conversation was about and if we'd like to share with the whole class. Which Nicky thought was incredibly stupid, being that anyone with eyes and a brain could see that she was just giving her a pen, but whatever.

The days passed miserably slow, and Nicky hated high school. She made a few friends that she'd only talk to during class, never outside those walls – except Lorna. By the time Christmas break rolled around, there was some kind of a bond between them. They had shared phone numbers and would call each other every night. At first their conversations were just about homework or to study together (which Nicky hated, she was naturally smart and good at memorizing – she only did this to help Lorna). Eventually, they started talking about other things, like real friends do. Nicky would talk about all the upcoming concerts coming to town that she wanted to go to, and Lorna would talk about all the new fashion and how she wished she could afford it. Nicky had wanted to ask this for a while, but it wasn't until now that she felt them close enough to do it.

"Lorna, how come you never want to hang out outside of school? Is it because of me?"

"Oh god, Nicky no. No, it's not you. It's me. Well, my family. They're embarrassing. We live in this tiny shithole apartment with seven people, and it's an embarrassment."

"Well then how come you never want to come to my apartment?"

"Because you're rich, and I'm a slob, and I don't want your family to hate me."

"Oh please that is the last thing you'd have to worry about. My parents are divorced, my dad moved to the suburbs with his new girlfriend and my mom is hardly ever home. Between working she spends all her time with her new obnoxious foreign boyfriend who hates children. She's usually at his apartment or with him in fucking Brazil."

"Brazil? Like the country?"

"Yes, dumbass, like the country."

"So do you have siblings then? Or are you alone all the time?"

"Hell no, no siblings. My mom would never dream of having unprotected sex ever again after having me ruin her life. I live with my housekeeper slash nanny. She's a lovely woman, really. She's probably spent more time with me in my life than Marka has. Actually, she definitely has."

"Marka? Is that your mom?"

"Yeah. I hardly call her 'mom' because that would do injustice to all the moms out there that actually do their jobs as mothers."

"Hmm. Makes sense. So do you want to hang out then? Do you have plans for over the break?"

"Unless sitting in front of the television or laying in bed listening to music for a week straight like a sack of potatoes counts as plans, then nope. Why don't you just come sleep over and we can be bored together."

"Sounds like a plan, just tell me your address and I'll be over within the hour."

So Nicky told her, and sure enough within twenty minutes the short brunette with obnoxious, bright blue eyeshadow known as Lorna was buzzing to be let into her apartment. Nicky let her up, and the second she saw her all she said was "Wow, you look different without the khaki skirt and polo top."

"So do you, nice sweatpants."

"Shut up."

They sat on the queen sized bed in Nicky's room playing cards and eating warm chocolate chip cookies that Paloma made when Nicky told her she was having a friend over. "A guest! Oh, I'll make cookies!" she had said, and Nicky thanked her with a hug and a smile. Lorna took a solid ten minutes to admire all the band posters littering Nicky's walls and ceiling, all the old records and record player that used to belong to her father, and her new cassette player as well as all her tapes. Nicky put on the new Oasis record, her favorite one. When Lorna asked why not the new cassette tapes, Nicky explained how she preferred the sound of the records. After listening, Lorna agreed. They stopped playing cards and listened to the music and talked for a little while. They talked about their favorite bands, books, television shows, about their annoying Spanish teacher. Until it got silent for a couple seconds, and Nicky asked,

"How can you afford private school? I mean, since you said you live in a shitty crammed apartment, and you always say about how money is tight and stuff." They were laying on their backs staring at the ceiling, but Nicky looked over to check Lorna's facial expression and make sure she didn't offend her. She wasn't sure how to ask that, but she wanted to know, and she felt like they were close enough now. Lorna felt her stare and turned to look back at her.

"Wow, just going straight for the nuclear question, huh?"

"I'm sorry, shit, I'm sorry, I knew I shouldn't have said that, I just–"

"–It's okay, jeez! I was just pushing your buttons. Anyway, my dad was injured in an incident at his old job. He's paralyzed from the waist down now and he's in a wheelchair, so he was able to sue the company big time. That's why we moved from Boston to New York. My parents figured that they could afford a shitty apartment and to send one kid to private school. I told them that was stupid, it would make more sense to send us all to public school and get an apartment that actually fits us. But they didn't care what I thought."

"So you're the only one of your siblings going to private school?"

"Yeah. My sister Franny is a senior anyway, so it's no use paying for her to go private for only a year. And my other siblings are in elementary and middle school, so they won't be in high school until I'm already graduated. My parents think if they save up now, they'll be able to afford to send them to private later. And if not, they don't care. They don't think my brothers have as much potential as me."

"That's some twisted parental logic, but I guess I get it. You do have potential. I'm just glad they decided to do that, because now I have a best friend for the first time in my life."

"Me too."

And then they fell asleep. Still facing the ceiling, listening to the quiet comfort of Liam Gallagher's voice on the new record, softly singing: " _I think you're the same as me, we see things they'll never see,_ _you and I are gonna live forever..._ " with the window cracked open and the sounds of the city that never sleeps spilling into the twentieth floor window.


	2. Talk Tonight

The rest of freshman year was a breeze for Nicky and Lorna. It was the Spring of their friendship, where it all began. Everything was fresh and new, but most importantly, everything was good. Since the first night Lorna spent at Nicky's, it had become an unspoken ritual. Weekends were often spent at the Nichols apartment – watching movies, listening to music, playing board games, prank calling, and eating hot meals that Paloma insisted to make even when they told her not to bother. They spent the entirety of Spring break going to the movies and the bowling alley – Lorna even convinced Nicky to go roller shaking once or twice. But even though Lorna had been around so much (for almost an entire school year), she didn't even meet Nicky's mother until school was almost out for the summer. It was a Friday afternoon in the middle of June, the hottest day of the year so far. Nicky and Lorna had just walked in the door from school, and instantly started stripping in efforts to cool down. Yes, the apartment was air conditioned, but it was too hot to wait to let the cool air embrace them while still underneath the thick material of the school uniforms. They stopped once they stood their in their bras and underwear, then laughed as they sat down on the couch for a breather. It was so hot that even something as minimal as undressing took their breath away with ease. That was when Nicky's mother came out of her room and walked by. Their first encounter was short and not-so-sweet.

"Hi, hone– what in the world? What are you doing, Nicole? Who is this?"

"Hey Marka, nice to see you finally remembered that you have a home and a daughter. This is my friend, Lorna. Don't worry, we were just relieving ourselves of the hellish heat before we get changed and go down to the pool. Lorna, this is my mother."

"Well, okay then. Hello Lorna."

to which Lorna replied, "Hi Mrs. Nichols, it's nice to finally meet you!"

"Oh, no dear. Call me Marka."

"Oh, okay th–"

"–Now get out, go cool off before you sweat like pigs on my new leather couch."

It was then when Nicky first realized why she had always hated it so much when people cut other people off while they're speaking – it was her mother's specialty.

Once they had gotten changed, they went downstairs and outside to the pool. It was in the courtyard in the middle of Nicky's apartment building, and it was a pretty fair sized pool (for New York City, that is). Lorna was glowing, and Nicky asked why she looked so happy. "Partially because I'm sweating balls and I can't wait to submerge my body in that cold water, and partially because this reminds me of the pool I used to have back home." to which Nicky replied, "Well kid, this is your home now. So go, submerge away." Lorna smiled at her as she took her hair pins out and her shoes off. Then, they both ran and jumped into the pool, exhaling breaths of relief as they emerged back to the surface. "Hey! No jumping!" the lifeguard called from the stand. "Don't be such a hardass, Jordan! You know that you're just waiting for someone to start drowning so you have an excuse to get your sweaty ass off that chair and into the pool!" Nicky yelled back.

"Quiet Nichols, I have a job to do here and I sure as hell don't need your sass!" and with that, Nicky flipped him off and swam away. Lorna swam after her, and when she caught up, asked what that was all about.

"What was that all about? You two got history?"

"Well, yeah I guess. He felt me up and we made out once in the laundry room a few months ago, but I never told you because he's like a senior and I didn't want the word to get around, you know, for his sake. A senior getting to second with a freshman isn't exactly 'cool' on his part."

"What?! You made out with him?!" Lorna practically yelled back.

"Shhhh! There are other people here! People with ears who can hear us!""

Lorna whispered loudly back, an attempt to be quiet that failed miserably, "You really didn't tell me something like that? Your first time at second base! That's a big deal, Nicky! Plus, Jordan is so cute! I would so tell you if that happened to me, and you know I wouldn't tell anyone!"

"Yeah I know you wouldn't tell anyone, but you just never know who's listening nowadays...it was too risky to say out loud. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I promise I'll be honest from now on."

"Okay, I forgive you. But if you don't want him, I'm so going after him. He's so gorgeous and he's got that great tan from being out here all day. I just love it!"

"Yeah man, he's all yours." Nicky said with a fake smile and 'go get 'em, tiger!' kind of nod, followed by dunking herself back under water because she couldn't stand to look at Lorna when she was lying straight to her face.

Nicky told her she was being honest, but she wasn't. The real reason she didn't tell Lorna was because she hated that encounter with Jordan. She only did it because he was the epitome of what other girls considered "hot" and he took interest in her, so she felt obligated. But she didn't feel how other girls seemed to feel when she was with him, and she almost felt bad about it. Nicky was sure Jordan could feel her discomfort too, and that's why he was so bitter towards her now. In fact, she was fairly sure she didn't like boys at all, and for her, Jordan was just a confirmation of that. But she didn't quite know how Lorna would handle that news, and she didn't think she was ready to find out just yet.

Once school finally ended, they had spent the summer roaming recklessly around the city. It was the summer of many firsts for Nicky and Lorna. It was the first summer of having someone to call a best friend. It was the summer of Nicky's first time trying frozen yogurt and Lorna's first time shopping at Manhattan thrift stores. It was the summer when Lorna finally felt comfortable enough to let Nicky into her home, for the first of many times. It was the summer of Lorna's first of many schoolgirl crushes. It was the summer when they first realized they could sneak onto the fire escape of Lorna's apartment and be totally free.

This ended up being their favorite thing to do. It started one night when Lorna was sleeping soundly in her twin sized bed. Nicky was unable to sleep, but she didn't know why. She was sitting and leaning against the bedroom window, quietly listening to their favorite band, Oasis. As she stared at the city below, she let the melody take her in and she felt the poetry of the words deep in her bones.

Nicky had lived in the city her entire life, in fact she had hardly ever been away from it, but it still amazed her how the city never really does sleep. No matter what time of day or night, no matter where in the city you are – you could look out there and see just as many people out and about, doing something that is probably so important to them but is completely meaningless to everyone around them. As she looked around, she thought back to a time when she was much younger – about eight years old, and she couldn't sleep because she had just heard her parents fighting for hours on end. Paloma had come in her room to check on her and noticed that she was still awake, contently staring out her bedroom window. "Nicky, I thought you were asleep! Get to bed, honey, or your mother will be upset," Paloma had told her in her sweet accent. "But it's not even late, Pal! Look how many people are still outside!" she had replied, pointing out the window at all the people hustling around as if it were midday. "Oh yes it is late, darling. It's after midnight! You just happen to be a child of the city that never sleeps...But you must. Come on now, off to bed."

Just as this memory starts fading into sleep, Nicky slowly blinks her eyes open and notices the sun start to peak above the horizon, and it is simply beautiful. She wanted to get a better look, and she noticed the fire escape leading down from Lorna's bedroom window.

"Hey, Lorna," she whispered as she sat on the edge of her bed and slowly took the blanket off of her sleeping friend.

"Nicky, what? Come on, I'm sleeping."

"I know, I know, just follow me. I want to show you something."

"What is it?"

"Just trust me, and be quick."

"Well it's hard to be quick when you're pulling me from my unconscious state, but I'll try my best because I'm sure whatever this is will be worth it... right?"

"Yeah, yeah," Nicky grabbed Lorna by the arm and practically dragged her across the room and towards the window.

"Hey, what...what are we doing? Why are you opening the window, we have the air on! Is...is there a fire?" she whispered groggily, and very confused.

"No, no. Just come sit out here and look, but be careful," Nicky assured her as she climbed out the window and sat on the rusted metal of the fire escape landing.

So Lorna was careful as she climbed out the window of her fifth floor apartment and sleepily sat down next to her best friend. Nicky pointed east-bound, in between two buildings, at the breathtakingly colorful sunrise.

"See?"

"Wow, oh my...this is beautiful."

"About as beautiful as it gets here in the concrete jungle, but I thought it was worth waking you up for. Was I right?"

"Yes, you were. I haven't seen a sunrise this beautiful since...well probably since I spent the weekend at my cousin's ranch back in Massachusetts, about an hour outside of Boston. I saw a gorgeous one then."

"Really? I never had you pegged as a farm-girl."

"I'm not at all, in fact I'm extremely far from it. I just went because my parents forced me. They said my cousin was getting 'too lonely' and 'too close to the animals', whatever that means, and that I should keep her company for a few days."

Nicky let out a tired and small, but still genuine laugh, and Lorna smiled sweetly back at her. They sat there quietly as the sun slowly took its daily position in they sky. They could hear the music still softly playing from inside Lorna's room:

" i wanna talk tonight, until the morning light, about how you saved my life...you saved my life..."

Lorna fell back asleep fast, leaning against the window pane. Nicky looked at her fondly for a few minutes as she slowly drifted off to sleep herself. Maybe it was the way the soft light of dawn illuminated Lorna's features, or the way her messy bedhead hair still looked good, or the way her eyelashes fluttered when she was sleeping deeply, or just the complete and total purity of her being – but there was something about Lorna Morello on this particular morning that made Nicky fall in love with her for the first time. Not the kind of love that you see on television, with two lovers kissing in the rain or dancing under covers. No, it was much more than that. It wasn't romance, it was love. Not only was it love, it was love in its rawest and purist form – the undoubtable and unquestionable love for a best friend. She did not know this until much later, however. At this point she was still too young, too naïve, too unfamiliar with the feeling to know what it was when she felt it.

This peaceful bliss only lasted about a half hour before they heard Lorna's mother's alarm clock go off in the other room. They crawled back through the window and quickly got into Lorna's bed and pretended to be asleep. They knew her mother would come check on them before she left, and they knew right away that they didn't want anyone to find out about that place. They even agreed not to tell Franny, Lorna's older sister, whom they only considered a friend when they needed a third opinion or a chauffeur.

Ever since then, they had used the fire escape as their safe place. At first, they'd go there if they wanted to talk about something or make up life stories about the people they could see below them and in the building across from them. As they got older, however, it became their quiet place – where they'd go to drink their parent's liquor, occasionally smoke cheap weed (only necessary for after heartbreaks, they agreed), and to silently cry over boys and girls that broke their hearts. But that was still in the far future for fifteen year old Nicky and Lorna. Life was still so simple for them in the summer of '95.


	3. Wonderwall

Sophomore year was the Summer of their friendship. Not as new, not as pure – but just as beautiful. Their friendship was in full bloom and the sun was always shining, seemingly on them more so than on anybody else. Lorna and Nicky didn't have any classes together, and when they found that out they were really upset. But as it turned out, it ended up bringing them closer. Nicky would tell Lorna all about how she would purposefully make things bubble over in chemistry class and make fun of how her pothead friends (who somehow made it into an honors chemistry class) would think that it was the best thing ever. Lorna would have endless stories of the times she had in drama class, preparing for the school musicals and plays. Nicky would tell her how she hates all the drama kids, that she thinks that they were annoying and too uptight. Lorna never got offended because she knew she was an exception to that, so instead she'd always try to come back with a witty comment about Nicky's burnout friends. There was one particular day in which this conversation first happened, it was a bright mid-November day and they were walking to Lorna's apartment after school.

"–And yeah, so I let this shit bubble for way longer than we were supposed to and my teacher got super pissed and started bitching at me about the 'safety regulations' and 'wasting perfectly good product'...but it was worth it, it's so cool the way stuff reacts. And the kids in my class seem to get a kick out of it."

"Y'know Nichols, I gotta say I never would have thought you'd be such an all-star chemist."

"Honestly, me either. It almost feels good to have straight A's in an honors class."

"Speaking of classes to easily get straight A's in — today in drama class, this new kid Tommy held the ladder for me while I was painting the set. He just came over and held it and started talking to me, like, I didn't even ask him to. It was almost kinda romantic."

"Oh yeah, sounds like every girl's dream," Nicky replied sarcastically.

"Oh stop it, I'm serious. He's funnier, smarter, nicer, and so much cuter than all the other drama kids!"

"Well it doesn't take much to be smarter and funnier than all those braindead so-called actors that practically live in the auditorium. I mean seriously, do they even have other classes? Do they ever go home?"

"Braindead? Really, you wanna talk about braindead? Okay, what about those smelly stupid potheads you're always hanging out with? I mean, aren't they in yearbook? Everyone knows all those kids just take photos and smoke weed. They brought that reputation on themselves by joining that class."

"Hey, don't diss the potheads. Yes, they do take yearbook. And yes, they may have a peculiar funk about them, and they may not be the brightest bulbs in the bunch – but, that does not mean that they aren't good people."

This far-reached rebuttal earned a look from Lorna, her eyebrows raised and her head slightly cocked to the side, as if to say 'really?'.

"Okay fine, so they aren't good people – but they're not bad people. And they are decent company during school. Plus, they'd give me a discount on their product if I just said the word, so it is my duty as a potential customer to defend their very sad but very true reputation."

"Yeah, but you don't smoke pot, and even if you did, you wouldn't need a discount."

"That's true, but it's good to have the option, right? I mean I could always join yearbook next year..."

"I guess so, I mean you are a pretty good photographer. And there's nothing wrong with a little stress relieving help from my good friend Mary Jane every once in a while."

"Your good friend Mary Jane? Jesus, Lorna, please don't ever try to be funny again. That was almost physically painful."

They laughed and kept walking, sharing bites of the pretzel they had bought from Carl – a jolly man with a thick beard and a strong Brooklyn accent who had a snack cart which he stationed daily outside of their school. His face always lit up when he saw them approach, and their encounter was always the same:

"Hey hey, it's my favorite customers! How yous ladies doing today?"

"Hi Carl!" they'd laugh in unison, and then he would ask what he could get for them today, and they would tell him 'the usual,' which was their two-worded way of saying 'one salted pretzel and two bottles of diet coke.'

Life for Nicky and Lorna went on like this – sharing stories, sharing soda, sharing laughs – it was pure bliss. Sure, they had their bad times. They would get into fights about stupid things, such as Lorna's poor choice in boys to hook up with, or Nicky's poor choice in people to hang out with. Lorna's thriving need to get exactly what she wants and Nicky's extremely stubborn attitude never mixed well in these situations. Sometimes they'd even make it two full days without talking at all. But it was never longer than that before one of them showed up at the other's door with a movie, some pizza, and an apology. So yes, they had their bad times, but their good times always made up for the bad – and then some.

The best time was during that Spring, Nicky's sixteenth birthday. Her mother was 'away on business', which really meant 'away in Brazil with her boyfriend'. Lorna could tell Nicky was truly upset, no matter how hard she tried to hide it and brush it off like it meant nothing. That was something Lorna was really good at. She could always tell how Nicky really felt when she denied it or tried to hide it. And even though Nicky tried not to let it show, Lorna also knew that she was grateful for it. In effort to make Nicky forget about her mother's birthday-abandonment, Lorna was determined to get her the gift of a lifetime. At first she wasn't exactly sure. She didn't know what she could get with the eight dollars that she stole from her sister's purse and whatever coins she could pull out of the nooks and crannies of her apartment that was good enough for Nicky. When she heard two kids in her algebra class talking about the Oasis concert on Friday, she knew right away that she had to get them tickets no matter what she had to do. She ended up telling her mother that she needed cash for school, that they were going on a field trip in a few weeks. Her mother gave it to her with little resistance. Although she was skeptical of Lorna's motives, the education of her most potential-filled child was the most important thing to her, so she gave in easily. Lorna was able to score two floor seat tickets to Oasis at Madison Square Garden that Friday night, Nicky's sixteenth birthday.

Giving Nicky the tickets was almost as magical for Lorna as the concert itself. She had gone to the store and bought Nicky an Oasis t-shirt with an extra ten dollars that she was able to scrape up. She had carefully folded the tickets into the center of the shirt and placed it neatly in the bag that the shirt came in.

They were sitting on Nicky's bedroom floor when Nicky opened it.

"Why do I have to open it now? My birthday isn't until tomorrow," Nicky wondered.

"I know, just trust me. Open it."

"Okay..."

So she did. When she first picked up the shirt and held it up, she didn't notice the two tickets fall onto her lap, as she had figured that Lorna had just forgotten to take the receipt out of the bag. She admired the shirt and smiled the brightest that Lorna had ever seen her do so.

"Oh man this is sick, I love it! Thanks kid, I love you so much." Nicky beamed as she leaned over to give Lorna a hug. Nicky hugged her hard and Lorna smiled over her shoulder at the thought of what was to come.

"Oh, it's nothing, really."

"It's not nothing, it means a lot."

"Ahh well, you're welcome...but um...what's that on your lap?"

"Oh...uhh–" Nicky said as she reached down and picked up the two small, thick pieces of paper, "–No. Fucking. Way. No way. Lorna, oh my god, are these actual Oasis tickets? Holy shit! You are unbelievable! How did you–?"

Lorna shrugged and laughed she she watched Nicky get up off the floor and start pacing the room while she scanned over the tickets.

"You like them?" Lorna asked as she started to get up too.

"Do I like them?! Kid. These are floor fucking seats, to my favorite fucking band, with my favorite fucking person. It's at the Garden, on my actual birthday. Yes I like them! I fucking love them! And I love you! So much!" Nicky exclaimed as tears filled her eyes and she blinked them away quickly as she pulled Lorna back in for the warmest embrace they had ever shared.

They weren't the type of friends to constantly hug each other and tell each other how much they love each other, and how much they mean to each other. For them, it was a given. Their 'I love yous' did come frequently, but in simpler phrases, such as: 'dude, be careful,' 'buckle up, yo,' 'have you eaten?,' 'hey, are you okay?,' and 'you wanna talk, kid?'. These showed their love and compassion without dictating it in the usual way, and it was almost more meaningful than just saying 'I love you'. But when they did say those three words, and when they did hug each other – that was when it felt the most real, and although they never said it, neither of them ever took those moments for granted.

The concert was unlike anything either of them had ever experienced. Their excitement was beaming out of them like rays of sun in between the leaves on trees as you drive on a highway. When they got to their seats, they were simply restless.

Lorna thought she had seen Nicky's smile at its full potential when she opened her birthday gift, but she was wrong. It was when the band made their appearance on stage when she saw it. Nicky's smile that night could have easily out shined the spotlights in the arena – and it never left her face for a second, even as she screamed the words to every song and danced with reckless abandon. Her long curly hair was half pinned up and half down, and Lorna couldn't help but admire the way the colorful lights reflected off of her golden locks as they flowed along, beautifully matching the motions of her body. The twinkles in Nicky's big brown eyes as she stared at the stage in awe resembled fireworks on the fourth of July, bursting with life and getting more and more captivating with each spark. Lorna found herself staring, but she didn't stop. She kept watching and a smile spread across her face. She was so thankful to be the one to make Nicky this happy, to be the one to have given her the chance to have this experience. But most importantly, she was so thankful to get to see her live this moment.

In the midst of her admiration, the loud song ended abruptly and Lorna looked at the stage. The all-too familiar voice of Liam Gallagher interrupted to tell the audience that it was 'time to slow things down for a little bit.' When "Wonderwall" started playing, Lorna could feel the acoustics soaking in from the floor and into the soles of her feet, pumping through her veins and flowing into her heart – like it was a part of her. She looked back over at Nicky as Nicky held her lighter in the air, swaying her arms back and forth in unison with thousands of other people that weren't nearly as beautiful as her. She was trying to sing along, but she had clearly lost her voice and the words hardly fell out:

"I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now...because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me...and after all, you're my wonderwall..."

There was just something about Nicky on this particular night that captivated Lorna more than ever before. Maybe it was her luminescent smile, or her long and effortlessly gorgeous curls, or her soft twinkling eyes that held so much promise. Maybe it was the passion in her voice as she sang the lyrics, or how she didn't stop dancing for a second (even when her forehead and limbs glistened with sweat), or the way her new t-shirt clung to her torso in all the right places when she had it tied in a knot at her hip and the sleeves rolled up high. Maybe it was a combination of it all – everything about her, her entire being, her entire soul, that made Lorna fall in love with Nicky Nichols for the first time that night. But she would never be aware of this, for it wasn't the kind of love that she would ever be able to recognize the feeling of. What Lorna would always know love to be was two people at the alter saying 'I do', two people making love, having children, and growing old – but that's not what this love was. No, it was not something as simple as a marriage license and couple of vows. She had fallen in love with someone she would do anything for, someone she would die for without a second thought. It was the absolutely pure, raw, undeniable, and utterly selfless love for a best friend. A best friend that also happened to be her soulmate.

When this fairly quiet song had started fading out and back into another loud one, Nicky peeled her eyes from off the stage and looked over at Lorna for the first time since the concert started. When they made eye contact, Lorna noticed the tears welled in her eyes as she mouthed 'thank you'. Lorna smiled big at the sight of her oh-so-tough best friend in tears, and briefly put a hand on Nicky's shoulder as if to say 'you're welcome'. When the song picked up, Nicky started singing again, and for the first time Lorna joined in – screaming the words, letting loose, and dancing alongside Nicky like it was the end of the world. And for them, it almost was.


	4. Where Did It All Go Wrong?

Junior year was the Autumn of their friendship. Things between Nicky and Lorna were changing fast, like the leaves on trees in October – turning from vibrant colors to rusty brown, until they die and fall slowly to the ground, only to be swept up and thrown away. Things were quite bittersweet, like a caramel apple on a September hayride that only tastes good until you realize that there is more of it in your teeth than in your stomach.

It was a crisp early November night in 1996 when they sat on the fire escape of Lorna's bedroom for one of the last times. Nicky was smoking a joint while Lorna cried over a boy who had slept with her and never called her back. Nicky held her best friend close to her heart (literally), and stroked her head as she sobbed. They were quiet for many minutes after Lorna's sobbing had faded into silent tears, and eventually nothing but a few dry-eyed sniffles. Finally, she sat up and looked at Nicky, her lips turning upward into a smirk as she scoffed,

"God, what the fuck is wrong with me?" Lorna asked rhetorically as she shook her head lightly and grabbed the joint from Nicky's fingers. She took a hit and coughed violently – as smoking was usually something that Nicky did alone. Lorna didn't particularly enjoy it or condone it, but her judgement was currently too clouded by grief for her to stay sober, "Why do I care so much? Am I crazy?"

"No, you're not crazy. But you do care too much. About stupid shit, and stupid people. Fuck this guy, he didn't deserve you. Just move on, kid. Find a better guy, one who won't take you for granted. Or better yet,

don't look. Wait for someone to find you. You gotta stop settling for dudes who'll just use you. You're worth more than that, and you know it as well as I do. You know I love you, but shit, you gotta stop wasting your time and tears on people who don't fucking deserve them."

Tears filled Lorna's eyes again. Not of sadness, but of gratefulness. She cracked a small smile as she nodded knowingly and wiped her eyes, trying to be rid of the mascara that now stained her face. She knew that Nicky was right – and she would try to follow to her good advice – but deep inside, a part of her also knew that she would never be capable a healthy relationship like that.

"You know what, you're right. Fuck him. He had a small dick anyway."

They laughed as Nicky lit another joint and took a puff, staring off longingly into the building across the street at a lesbian couple slow dancing in their living room. Lorna saw what she was looking at and sighed,

"Man, I've been so caught up in my pointless drama that I just realized what a selfish bitch I've been."

"What?"

"How are you, Nicky? How are things, you know, with your mom? Are you going to tell her?"

"I don't have to."

"What do you mean you don't have to?"

"Well, considering that she caught me with a girl the other night, I don't think that if I told her it'd be much of a surprise."

"Shit, the other night? Why haven't you told me?"

"Because it's not a big deal. It's not like she gives a fuck. To her it's just another addition to the list of reasons of why I'm a huge disappointment. Plus, you seemed really upset about the whole James thing, so I wanted to be there for you."

"Well yeah, I was upset, but you know you still could have and should have said something. It is a big deal, Nicky, you know it is. I really appreciate you wanting to be here for me, and I love you for that. But I want to be here for you too, and it's kinda impossible when you don't tell me anything."

"I know, fuck, you're right. I'm sorry."

"Oh, it's okay. Come here," Lorna said as gestured for Nicky to come closer. Nicky leaned over and sat with her head nuzzled into Lorna's shoulder. She went to take another hit when Lorna took the joint from her fingers, "Okay, that's enough for you. The whole fucking city can probably smell it. This was all you had left and you barely saved any for me, asshole."

"Well excuuuuse me for assuming that you didn't want any when you never smoke and you usually bitch at me for it."

"True, but tonight let's just forget that, because I can't be this sober while you're that high. It's just no fun."

Nicky looked up at Lorna and giggled, obviously starting to become influenced by the drug.

"I'm hungry. Do you have any whipped cream? I could really go for some whipped cream."

"Mayb- hey, sit down your ass down and give me a minute to finish, shit. Hey, who'd your mom catch you with anyway?"

"Mmm, this girl from my uhh, calculus class. What the fuck's her name, umm...oh, Jane. Y'know, that soccer team chick? With the sweet rack?"

"Isn't she dating that lacrosse dude?"

"Not anymooreeee. She realized she's gay, thanks to yours truly."

"Wow, nice work. So are you two like a thing now?"

"Ppfffttt, fuck no."

"Yeah. So what, friends with benefits?"

"Nahhhh. You see, that'd mean we'd have to be 'friends,' and there is no waaaayy I would ever be friends with someone like her. She wears tube tops and listens to fucking Journey."

"Journey? Shit. She must be damn good in bed."

"Barely."

At that, they laughed way harder than any sober person would. Lorna soon finished they both got up and climbed back through the window, adventuring into the kitchen to satisfy their drug-induced cravings – which usually consisted of entire cans of whipped cream and microwavable mini pizzas.

Nicky had spent the last year trying to convince herself that friends is good. Ever since their first night on the fire escape, she had felt differently about Lorna. The feeling came and went. It would hit her like a ten foot wave and then recede back out – but it always came back for more, just like the way the tides come up to kiss the shore – over, and over, and over again.

This wasn't much of a problem for Nicky. She was the master of suppressing feelings. Whether she knew it or not, it was what she did best. Lorna would talk about the boys she hooked up with, and Nicky would listen. Much to her surprise, it genuinely never bothered her. She didn't know this, but the reason she never got jealous was because deep down, she knew that Lorna's relations were all meaningless. None of those guys had any real emotional significance to Lorna. Yes, she could cry over them as if she had loved them for years, but Nicky wasn't even sure that Lorna would know what love was if it slapped her in the face. And that's what made it all the more difficult to be in love with her.

It was sometime that winter when Lorna exceeded any and all of Nicky's expectations. She had started going steady. With a guy who was actually decent (as far as guys go). Nicky couldn't help but hate him with the white-hot heat of a thousand suns. She was skeptical of him, thinking there was no way that he was worthy of her. Suddenly, suppressing her feelings started becoming harder. Every time Lorna would talk about him, Nicky wanted so badly to shut her up with a kiss. Instead, she would say "Can we like, talk about something else?" Every time Lorna would kiss him in front of her, Nicky so badly wanted to vomit all over her favorite pair of Doc Martens. Instead she would say, "Oh gross, get a room!" Every time Lorna would say, "Sorry hun I can't, I'm hanging out with Ryan today," Nicky wanted so badly scream into the phone at the top of her lungs. Instead she would say, "C'mon, you're blowing me off again?". Every time Lorna would hold his hand in the hallway, Nicky wanted so badly to run into the bathroom and cry. Instead she would walk up and say, "Whoa kids, leave enough room for the Holy Spirit!"

Nicky noticed her sarcastic comments starting to drive Lorna away. Lorna was slowly making less time for Nicky, and whether she meant to or not, she started feeling very distanced. So Nicky decided to try her best to cope with the situation without using sarcasm (her go-to defense mechanism). Much to her benefit, it worked. Her and Lorna hung out just as often as they used to, and Lorna was able to find a balance between her boyfriend and her best friend – but it was at the cost of Nicky's sanity. From there on out, she listened intently to Lorna while she spoke about him, no matter how long she went on for. She stayed quiet whenever they would kiss in front of her, no matter how badly she wanted to make a comment. She kindly said, "No worries, kid," when Lorna would deny her hang out invitations, no matter how unloved it made her feel. She smiled sweetly at them when she would pass them in the hallway, no matter how awkward it was for her.

Yes, the suppressing of emotions did become hard for a while. First it was easy. Then it was hard. In the end, it was effortless. Nicky became completely numb to the feeling. She no longer had to try her best not to scream, or to vomit, or to cry, or to kiss her. She no longer had to force herself not to make a sarcastic comment. She no longer had to force herself to engage in conversation, or to turn away from them, or to smile at them, or to accept the rejection. It became a routine, an unthought-about procedure. Nicky had even made efforts to hang out with them, and for a while, it worked. She learned how to play poker so she could join in with them and their other friends on game night. She watched The Godfather at least ten times so that she could understand and contribute to the references they always made. As much as it hurt, she loved Lorna, and if this boy was making her happy, Nicky wanted to support her the best that she could. However, if there's one thing Lorna could do damn well, it was seeing through Nicky's behavior to what she was really feeling. Other than it taking much longer to notice than usual, this situation was no different from any other. It wasn't until the late summer after junior year, nearly six months into their relationship, when Lorna and Ryan had emerged from the honeymoon stage – and Lorna finally noticed that Nicky had put up some mysterious new emotional walls.

"What's up with you lately?" Lorna asked one evening as they sat across from each other at their favorite pizza joint.

"What do you mean?"

"You've just seemed so...detached. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. How are you and Ryan doing?"

"Fine, I guess. But enough about us, seriously. I want to talk about you."

"Me? What's there to talk about with me?"

"Well for starters, you're not eating, and I know something's wrong when you won't even touch a slice of Gino's pizza. C'mon, what is it? You need to tell me."

"First of all I don't need to tell you anything. But second of all, you know that if there was anything to tell you, I would."

"Would you?"

With that, Nicky could no longer hide the tears welling up in her eyes. She unintentionally slammed her drink down on the table as she quickly got up and almost-ran out of the store and to the corner, where she started looking for a cab. Lorna was extremely frazzled as she ran to catch up.

"Nicky, Nicky wait! Wait, stop!" So Nicky stopped and turned around to face Lorna.

"What?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You're scaring me, Nicky."

"Oh! I'm scaring you?! Well you know what?! I'm the one who's fucking scared, Lorna. I'm scared out of my god damn mind!"

"What are you talking about? What are you so scared of?" Lorna questioned, as her vision blurred with the tears that were forming in her own eyes, tears that she wasn't quite sure as to why she was shedding.

"You! I'm scared of you! And I'm terrified of myself! I am so. Fucking. Terrified!" Her voice almost broke, but she stopped it. She needed to stay strong. She needed to try her best to make Lorna understand. Lorna's face shifted from a mixture of confusion and anger to deep concern when she noticed the lines of tears streaming down Nicky's face that had become visible because of the fluorescent lights and neon signs. The amount of tears Nicky had shed in those few minutes was more than Lorna had ever seen her cry in her entire life. This was so wildly off base from Nicky's usual behavior, which was frightening to Lorna. She wanted to move closer to Nicky, to look her dead in the eyes and find out what was wrong. So she did. When they were only a foot away from each other, Nicky started to back away, but Lorna grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her to stay. Nicky struggled, but Lorna didn't let go. Her voice started shaking as she spoke, and all efforts to hide her nervousness failed miserably.

"S-stop. Nicky, stop. Slow down, and breathe."

"I-"

"-No. No talking, just breathing," Lorna comforted her as she usually would, but she was clearly confused. She reached over and wiped the tears off Nicky's face and said, "Okay. I need you to look at me. Nicky...fucking look at me!" she spoke sternly. So Nicky looked at her, and Lorna let go of her shoulders but held her gaze, "Now tell me what is wrong with you. Why the fuck are you scared of me? And of yourself?"

"I'm scared of you because I fucking love you, Lorna!" She was trying so hard to keep herself composed, but she knew she was close to her breaking point. So she tried to say all she could think of as fast as she could, leaving herself no time to back down and make up a lie, "I don't know when or why or how, but at some point, I fell in love with you. And I'm scared of myself because it's the weirdest fucking thing that I have ever felt in my life. I can't escape it, and I don't know what to do. It terrifies me. Not only because you are my best friend and you mean the world to me, but because love is something I have never experienced in my life. The closest thing I'd felt to love before you was the feeling I'd get when I listened to good music. But this is so much more than that. When I'm with you, I get this feeling, and I know that's it – that's what love feels like. And I would give anything not to feel this way, but I can't help it, okay? You gotta know that. I've tried so hard to stop it, to suppress it, to ignore it – but no matter how hard I try, watching you with Ryan still feels like a fucking stab in the heart. I've had to put every ounce of my effort for the past five months into being all buddy-buddy with him so that I wouldn't lose you," Nicky looks back at Lorna and sees her face of shock and disbelief, making her follow with, "It's becoming real fucking clear that I shouldn't have said any of this. I should have kept up that ridiculous charade so that I could still have you in my life. You mean so much to me, but that doesn't change the fact that you could never love me the way that I love you. You just can't," she finally stopped talking because she couldn't hold herself together anymore. She had just let Lorna totally and completely tear down every wall that she has ever built to keep this exact thing from happening. All she could do was look up at the sky and try to blink the tears away. Before she could try to say anything else, Lorna filled the empty space with the four most painful words Nicky had ever heard.

"You're right, I can't."

Nicky looked back at her and noticed tears dripping down Lorna's cheeks and off of her chin. She looked more truly upset than Nicky had ever seen her be while crying over any of the boys who fucked her over.

"I just can't. I can't love you, Nicky. Not the way that you love me. And it's just not fair for you to have to live with being my best friend when you feel something more and I don't. I never knew that that's the way you felt, and I'm so sorry. You always be my best friend, and I will always love you as my best friend. You have been a blessing in my life and you have complimented me in ways that no one else ever has. I have made all of my favorite memories with you by my side, and I will never forget that as long as I live, I promise."

Nicky wiped her face of fresh tears and turned to walk away. Lorna grabbed her arm and spun her back around, "So that's it? You're just gonna walk away from me?"

"You said it yourself, it's just not fair for either of us if we continue on this way. But thank you, kid. For the memories."

Lorna's grip loosened and Nicky turned and walked away for good. Lorna wanted so badly to say something, to feel something – but all she could do was let out a loud sob as she watched her best friend walk away for good. She looked at Nicky long and hard before she turned and walked the other way with her head to the ground, watching as her tears fell off her face and disappeared into the hot summer air. As she walked home, she let images of their best times together consume her every thought. She could just barely hear Nicky's one-of-a-kind laugh when she thought of how much fun they had pulling pranks on their Spanish teacher together freshman year. She could practically feel the way Nicky's sweaty hands felt when she thought about the way they wrapped around hers while watching scary movies alone in the dark when they were fifteen. As she walked past a Body Shop, she swore could smell the coconut conditioner as she thought of the way that Nicky's hair had always smelled of all those times that she held her close and comforted her out on that fire escape. Lorna wanted so badly to regret this, she wanted to have the courage run back and tell Nicky that she did love her in the same way. But she really thought that she didn't, and she really thought that she never could. She really thought she was doing what was best, what was right. However, in reality, she did love her – she was in love with Nicky just the same way that Nicky was in love with her. But that was the thing about Lorna Morello that Nicky Nichols always knew – she wouldn't recognize love if it slapped her in the face.

As Nicky rode home in a cab, the tears had stopped flowing. Not because she wasn't sad anymore, but because she had no more tears to cry. She had never been a crier, and could hardly remember any instances in her life where she had cried. But this was a time in her life where she knew she would let herself cry and cry and cry, over and over again, until she ran dry.

She looked down and noticed a piece of paper sticking out of her pocket. She hadn't worn this pair of shorts all summer, so she wondered what it possible could have been. She took it out and unfolded it. It was a wrinkled half a piece of loose-leaf paper with smudged pen writing, obviously having gone through the washer and dryer at least a couple times:

"hello nichols, (can i call you that)? this is just a friendly reminder that you are my favorite person and you are so amazing! i love you! xoxo, morello (can i refer to myself like that)? ps: i wonder how long it'll take you to find this, I know you hardly ever wear these shorts! written 7/27/96 :-)"

Lorna had left this note in the pocket of her shorts almost a year ago, and of course she just found it now. "For fucks sake," Nicky muttered as she admired it for a little while, until a few tears fell from her face onto the words "i love you!", blurring them out completely. After that, she quickly, and without much thought ripped up the paper and rolled down the window to throw it out. She rolled the window back up and leaned against it, wiping her face and trying to compose herself. The taxi driver could sense Nicky's mix of anger and sadness, and was obviously uncomfortable, so he turned up the radio. She had thought she was finally all out of tears, but as the familiar sounds of Oasis filled the car, she found out that she was dead wrong. She kept her head against the window while she cried silently; listening to her favorite band for what she knew would be the last time.

"but i hope you know, that it won't let go...it sticks around with you until the day you die...and i hope you know, that it's touch and go...i hope the tears don't stain the world that waits outside...where did it all go wrong?..."


	5. Almost Paradise

Senior year was the winter of their friendship. Cold, dark, and essentially over – just like the past year and all the memories they had made in it. The very few words Nicky and Lorna now shared were bare and lacked any substance, just like the many trees of Central Park in mid-January. The brief glimpses they shared during their encounters in the hallways were as frigid as the Manhattan air while people hustled about all through February and March. The whole year was so painful for them both that it always felt like the dead of winter, even on the warmest, brightest of days.

When Nicky had gotten home the night that she walked away from her friendship with Lorna, she was greeted by her mother for the first time in at least a week.

"Hey, Nicky! Where have you been?"

"Out for dinner."

"With who? Your small friend? What's her name...oh you know, the one with the funky eyeshadow? Oh, Lorna! Or were you on a date? With some other girl?"

"Shut it, okay? I was just with Lorna," Nicky replied groggily, choking on the last word. She was obviously uninterested in the potential conversation and didn't want to give her mom any sort of details about her evening.

"Well, what happened? Why do you look so upset?" her mother put down her wine glass and got up from her seat in front of the television and slowly walked towards her,

"Have...have you been...crying?"

"N-no, stop. Look, you seem like you're in that mood where you want to be all buddy-buddy with me, bu-"

"-What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that there's an empty bottle of Merlot on the table, you actually just called me Nicky instead of Nicole, and you're trying to banter with me, acting like you give a shit about my life. But I am so past the point of not being in the mood right now, so I would really appreciate it if you'd just leave me alone," she replied with angst as she took her jacket off, threw it on a hook, and walked heavily towards her room.

"Well fine, if that's how it is..." her mother replied, getting louder as Nicky got further away, "but just know that there are plenty of other fish in the sea! Whatever happened, I'm sure she wasn't good enough for you anyway!"

Nicky entered her room and slammed the door, grunting angrily, and started pacing her room with fury – running her hands through her soft dirty-blonde curls, the way she does when she gets extremely anxious or frustrated. Her tipsy mother's words started to replay on a loop in her mind, ' _she wasn't good enough for you anyway... she wasn't good enough for you anyway... wasn't good enough...'_

Nicky let out a short but forceful yell as she kicked the wall as hard as she could, her Doc Marten boot putting a hole through it, causing her to fall to the floor with her foot still stuck inside, "Bullshit!" she screamed almost involuntarily as she sat on the floor, tears refilling in her eyes as she leaned on her elbows and faced her bedroom door, "Not good enough? Bullshit!" She instantly started sobbing as she gave in to gravity's pull and fell completely back onto the floor, too emotionally and physically tired to get back up. She cried into the rug until her sobs eventually faded into nothing but a few dry sniffles, and the specks of drywall settled around her, forming a sort of blanket as she fell asleep.

It was no better for Lorna when she got home that night. Her house was surprisingly quiet when she walked in the door. She was used to the constant bickering of her parents, the familiar arguing of her brothers, and the never-ending nagging by her sister. Therefore, the quietness of this particular night was almost eerie to Lorna. Her brothers were fast asleep in front of the television, so she turned it off and put blankets over them. She opened her parent's bedroom door to find them uncomfortably asleep, as far away from each other on their queen sized mattress as they could get. Her sister's bedroom light was still on, so Lorna knocked on the door before opening it, only to find that she was out (and still hadn't overcome her habit of leaving her light on when she leaves). When Lorna reached her own bedroom, she opened the door and stepped in, shutting it quietly behind her. Before even turning the light on, she leaned her back up against the door as her hands rushed to her mouth and she let out a suppressed croak. A few tears started to roll down her face and dripped off of her chin, one by one. After a few moments she wiped her face and turned the lights on, briefly composing herself long enough to take off her shoes and jacket and put them in their places as if everything was normal. This was a specialty of Lorna's – going on about her life as if everything is fine at times when it isn't. Her obsession with a 'perfect life' doesn't let her feel anything, it doesn't let her stop and be human for any longer than a brief moment. So she took her shorts and bra off and got into her bed, too strained to even change her t-shirt or take her tear-ridden makeup off.

Just as she was about to turn her light off, Lorna felt a breeze come in through the window. She looked out and saw nothing but a streetlight illuminating the landing of the fire escape. Against her better judgement, she got up, put her robe on, and sat outside on the landing as she had done many times before – but never alone. Lorna knew that if Nicky was there, she would comment on the extremely hideous armchair that the people in one of apartments across from them had just put in their living room. She'd probably be tapping along to some Velvet Underground song, leaning her head on the railing and pretending to understand as Lorna critiqued the fashion choices of passersby. Within only a few moments, she could hardly stand being out there. She almost felt disgusted. Without Nicky, the fire escape landing had lost all of its appeal. Lorna started to notice how the rust on the metal made her legs itch, how it smelled faintly of urine, and how irritating the sound of water dripping from the leaking landing above was. All things that Lorna had never paid mind to when Nicky was there, because she always had her full attention on her. Not on how itchy her legs were, or on how the odor slightly burned the inside of her nose, or on what exactly the liquid dripping down next to her even was. But now that there was no Nicky to pay attention to, there was nothing worth paying attention to. Tears refilled her eyes as she was about to get up. For some reason, it took a few minutes to convince herself to go back inside, because she knew that once she did, she would never come back out.

"Hey," Lorna heard someone yell from below her, which startled her from her trance, "you!" She looked down and saw her landlady, who was looking up at her with disapproval. "Hi Ms. Jenkins, how are you?" she replied, trying to sound like she hadn't just been sobbing. "I'll be better once you get your ass inside and off my fire escape. You know you're not supposed to sit up there, emergencies only!" Lorna smiled at the thought of how after all these years, Mrs. Jenkins had never said a word to her and Nicky for sitting up there. Whether this was because she never saw them before or if she never cared, didn't matter. So Lorna apologized and said it wouldn't happen again, which was the honest truth. She climbed back inside and closed that window for good. From then on, even on the hottest of summer days, she only ever opened the window on the other side of the wall. Even when her mother insisted on her opening them both, she only opened it the tiniest crack. But Lorna could only bring herself to fully open the window with no fire escape – no memories attached, nothing. Just warm breezes, questionable smells, and the occasional unwelcome insect or two.

There were times when Lorna would pick up the phone and start to dial Nicky's number. Partially out of habit, partially because she wanted to talk to her – but she just let herself believe that it was pure habit. It went the same way every time. She would pick up the phone, start dialing, realize what she was doing, hang up, sigh, and avert her eyes towards the ceiling or the floor – as if someone had just seen her do something that she shouldn't have, and she was trying to play it off. She'd think about how stupid she is, how she was the one who had let Nicky down, not the other way around, and she had much less of a right to be so dramatically upset. She figured that Nicky had probably moved on and forgotten all about her by now, and Lorna wouldn't blame her for it if she had.

But that couldn't be further from the truth, as Nicky had the frequent urge to call Lorna as well. She would look over at the phone, sometimes picking it up and letting her fingers brush over the numbers in an order that is now ingrained into her memory. But she never pressed them. She wanted to, in fact, she had a burning desire to. In fact, she once dialed the whole number and without thought pressed the green button that was practically calling her name. But within one second, before the call could even go through, she pressed the comforting red button, because she realized that she didn't even know what she'd have to say to Lorna that would be worth her time. So from then on when she got this urge, she'd put the phone down and go for a walk. Her destination was nowhere in particular, as she would just walk with her head to the ground and go wherever her feet took her.

Sometimes she'd end up on a bench in Bryant Park, watching pigeons as they fight over bread crumbs that were being tossed on the floor by an old woman. She'd look around at all the different people and think about how everyone there had a story. The two old war vets playing chess, the stressed college students sitting in a group studying, the young woman tanning on the lawn, the smiling lovers as they sit across from each other drinking coffee, the lonesome mother with her three small children, and that old lady who found so much comfort in feeding the already-too-fat park animals. All these people, who all have stories, probably with much sadder and more difficult hardships than what she was going through. Sometimes she'd end up at Gino's, but she could never bring herself to go inside without wanting to throw up at the thought of all the memories that her and Lorna had made in that place. The cashier, a sweet middle-aged Italian man named Pete, would see her and smile sweetly as he waved. He had been working there the night that she'd made that whole scene with Lorna, and he could tell that she wasn't the same anymore. He'd say, "'Ey Nicky, come inside and grab a slice, won't ya?" Nicky would grab the handle, but she could never bring herself to open it, so she'd sigh, smile apologetically and say, "Sorry, Pete. Not today," hoping that she could hear him through the thick glass. And sometimes she'd end up at her new friend Drew's apartment, surrounded by people she didn't care about, smoking cheap weed and drinking peach schnapps to try and numb the pain.

The school year went by slowly and painfully for Lorna. Ryan had broken up with her about two months after her and Nicky stopped talking. Lorna could barely stand seeing his face after that night. Whenever she was with him, Nicky's words were always in the back of her mind, as well as the disappointment on her face as she spoke them. Lorna wanted to keep her relationship with Ryan going – it was all she had left. Even though she didn't love him, his company was the only thing keeping her from wallowing too deep into her own sadness, so she did everything she could to preserve the normalcy between them. But things just weren't the same as they used to be, and Ryan noticed this. He told her that he was ending it for her sake, telling her that she "hasn't been the same since she stopped hanging out with Nicky," and that she "should really take some time to figure herself out before trying to make a healthy relationship work." As right as he was, Lorna was still devastated about losing him. She was so afraid of being alone, and every moment she had to herself was more and more agonizing than the last.

The school year was a blur for Nicky. It went by fast, but not well. Her mother had let Paloma go and set her up with a different family, another divorced woman from her job who had two young children. Nicky was upset, as Paloma had raised her just as much (if not more) than her actual parents did. When Nicky was very young, she had even made the mistake of referring to her as "Mommy" more than a few times. But she knew it was only fair to Paloma to let her go without a fight. Nicky always knew in the back of her mind this day would have to come eventually, and now she didn't need taking care of anymore – no matter how much she denied her capabilities and no matter how much she appreciated the home cooked hot meals and an always perfectly clean home. Besides, Paloma was more of a mother to her for the past 16 years than her actual mother had been. Now, the house got messy extremely quickly. Her mother would call and remind Nicky to clean, but she could hardly ever find the motivation to do so. She almost never ate anything that couldn't be cooked in the microwave or bought at a convenience store. It took her months before she even considered doing anything other than coming straight home from school and laying on her bed while listening to music and eating potato chips in her free time. But she knew it was probably getting bad when even her mother noticed that she was acting unlike herself. So she started talking to the kids from her old chemistry class again. They were the only people she even kind of knew in her lunch period, so she started sitting with them instead of by herself. To Nicky, the fact that she had much more common sense and a much higher IQ than the rest of the group was no reason not to be one of them. In fact, it was all the more reason to, because she soon ended up as their sort of 'leader', and leading this particular group was great distraction away from her misery.

Lorna would lay on her bed all night, staring at the ceiling and listening to the soundtracks of her favorite movies and musicals. She'd skip over any song that had even the slightest hint of a happy tone, as she had finally given in to her loneliness, letting it consume her. There was even a time when she dug out her old Footloose soundtrack record, and placed the needle of her ancient record player down in an exact spot that was engrained in her memory. It was the beginning of a song she could never listen to before because it always made her feel sad, and being sad was something that was once unacceptable to her. But she had finally succumb to the sadness, and let the lyrics burn an eternal hole in her mind: _"Almost paradise, we're knocking on heaven's door... almost paradise, how could we ask for more?... I swear that I can see forever in your eyes, paradise... yeah, it's paradise..."_

A part of her enjoyed actually being able to relate to songs that she had known the lyrics to for years, but had previously never truly meant anything to her. But eventually she couldn't stand being alone any longer. It started eating away at her in ways that made her unable to recognize herself in the mirror. She hated that Nicky had this impact on her, and she wanted to be free from it. Lorna decided that she needed friends. So she started accepting the hangout invitations of people from her drama class. She had known almost all of them since she was a freshman. She had done plays and musicals with them, as well as painted many, many sets with them. She quite liked them as people (regardless of what Nicky used to say about them), but she never hung out with them outside of school because she much preferred the company of Nicky. But now that Nicky was no longer an option, Lorna decided to start hanging out with them. They'd go to off-Broadway plays, and out for dinner at small cafés that Lorna had never heard of. They'd have sleepovers at which they'd watch movies and obsess over the newest and most attractive actors. As boring and predictable as these people usually were, Lorna appreciated their company, as they did a great job of distracting her from missing Nicky. She thought she was being so self-destructive, that there was no way Nicky was doing as badly as she was. Little did she know, only a few blocks away her former best friend had a much more severe form of self-destruction of her own.


End file.
